von_biatch

Welp, the first week of school is over. I'm going to throurougly enjoy my World History class, and though my Child Development teacher seems amazing, the class is WAY overcrowded. English 120 doesn't start for another week and a half, I'm not sure why. But I can't complain.

I had the msot incredible summer of my life. My best friend and I have never been closer, I spent a lot of time with him, which hasn't ever really happened. I spent literaly every day with my boyfriend, doing things I've never done before. Jet-skiing, going to carnivals, going to Sonic's!!!

I thank God every day for this wonderful life he has given me.

I have got an incredible man in my life. His family is wonderful, and everything feels exactly as it is meant to be. I've got my best friend, my boyfriend, my family, and his family is starting to become my second family. I've never felt so happy, content, blessed, lucky, thankful.

I'm having the best summer of my life.

And as this feeling grows, he brings flesh to my bones.

I'm falling for this boy.

There are a couple issues that have crossed my mind lately:

I'm really glad that Renae and Dani aren't in my life anymore, because I have become such a better person without them. I was going down the wrong path hanging out with them, and it was nowhere near what I ever had planned for myself or my future. Since I stopped hanging out with them, I started going to school, met some of the most incredible people, and have become a good person due to it all. And that is where things fall into place. Good things happen to good people. And I am confident when I say that I am doing everything in my power to be the most ideal friend, sister, daughter, and hopefully, maybe girlfriend =]

Secondly, is a much larger issue. I've been doing a lot of thinking in my free time about this... I've finally found the reason as to why religious sects are petty and irrelevant. See, my views on religion are: believe in God, be a good person, do right by yourself and others, trust in Him to heal your heart, and plot your course. There are so many insignificant detaisl when it comes to religions. Muhammad, Jesus, The Virgin Mary, etc. These are the people who separate us. Why neglect through our differences, when we can so simply rejoice in the one common denominator? God is, mostly, the backbone to any religion. And if you have multiple Gods, chances are, there's gonna be one supreme being in even a polytheistic belief. You see, if God wanted us to be Christian, why would he born us into families that are Jewish or Mormon or Muslim, and vice versa for each religion? Why would he put us into an environment that is so far from what each other thinks is true: that their religion is THEE religion, and all others are wrong? Maybe I'm not making myself clear enough, but it really makes sense in my head. Such perfect sense. From this day forward, I am no longer a Christian. I am a believer of God. And that is all my heart desires.

It's amazing what you can accomplish, simply by telling yourself you will.

At the beginning of my English class, we signed a waiver, releasing our writing to the teacher if she chose to use it as an example for the next semester. I decided that my goal for that semester was to write something so great, that she wanted to use it as an example. Well, I just got my final essay back, and a note that says:

"Lauren - Wow, this is an excellent essay. You have a very strong point, many excellent examples to support your point, and you did an excellent job explaining your examples. great work! I would love to use this as an example for future classes - would you mind e-mailing it to me?"

I could simply not be happier than I am at this moment.

In other news, I've been hanging out with some really amazing people, and I can honestly say I've got nothing to complain about... There are a couple of girls that are trying to drag me down and give me problems, but they have no idea how unimportant and non-existent they are to me, which makes it really funny.

There's a boy, but we'll see. He's amazing.

Dad. Adam. Auntie. I still think about you all every day. I will never ever let a day go by without telling you I love you.

So I'm back to normal, and then some. I'm the happiest I could possibly be right now. I've got straight A's, and I swear to God I will never shut up about it. I can't believe how proud of myself I am!! I just gotta make sure I keep trying as hard as I've been trying.

Ahh so happy!

Hung out with Garret and Ben last night, man I missed those boys! We just sat in the hot tub and talked. Good company is hard to find. I hope I see them more!!

I'm supposed to be going to an expo up in Orange County, we'll see if that happens. Either way, I have a good feeling about this weekend.

I am so blessed.

Oh and Brittany Marie Roberson is my best friend in the world. LOVE YOU TIKKI BROHAAAA!!!!!

Oh and Freddy is too. =]

I had my very first panic attack. I feel like a ticking time bomb right now.

I was driving and looked at the necklace my aunt had made. And I realized I will never ever be able to talk to her again. I'll never see her again. I started freaking the fuck out and started hyperventilating. Then it got to the point where I couldn't hardly breathe. I was on the verge of crying, but couldn't cuz I was in shock. All these deaths are finally hitting me, and it's taking a worse tole than I could have ever thought possible. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Thankfully it hasn't been effecting my work in school. If anything, it's giving me a release.

Hopefully this will all heal and go away with time. I thought I was stronger than this.

So 2009 has taught me a lot, already.

I have become more confident than I have ever been, and I'm starting to notice the negative effects of it. I'm not nearly as polite as I should be, and tend to come off as a bitch to a lot of people. Especially guys. I'm too blunt and forward with my disinterest in most guys, and I don't think telling them straight to their face is the nicest thing to do. But I have to take into consideration how much stronger and more pure my morals and standards are. So I guess I'm not so much as saying this all to admit to a problem. I don't believe it's a problem, I just think others might see it as one. I'm not talking about random people who might think it, because it's pretty obvious that I don't give half of a shit. I just hope this isn't effecting my friendships, because I actually care about them.

Another thing... I was thinking about it. The only reason I was is because I ran into her. But I was best friends with someone for a very long time. And to keep it short, we're no longer friends and haven't been for about a year. All this time, I thought I was some sort of a failure as a friend. I had been beating myself up for the past year, and every time I ran into her, my stomach would fall to my feet and my nerves would nearly paralyze me. I was leaving class, walking with a classmate. She was walking towards the building I had just left. I noticed her, and just kept walking and talking. It was rather symbolic for me. It was a sense of closure that I have been asking God for, for a very very long time. Her life has taken her one way, and mine another. I do not hate her, nor do I love her anymore. I don't care if that sounds heartless, after all the emotional pain she put me through, I cannot find it in my heart to hold any love for her or what we may have once been. She is now just another girl at my school. And that feels great. Because now I have a beautiful, honest, genuine best friend. I could not be more grateful for where I have been has put me.

I'm on the road to becoming that strong, beautiful, independent woman I have always wanted to be.

I want a love like Johnny and June.


All of a sudden, guys are starting to take a serious interest in me.

There are like 5 guys right now that are trying to jock my shit. What the fuck dude, really? As soon as I decide I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life, they have to go and fuck it up for me. Just like Britt said, they have a radar. As soon as we're okay and over everything, they have a beeper that goes up and says "Oh shit, time to go fuck her life up again." Hahaha.

Well, I'm not going to let that happen again.

I've been on the verge of crying for the last like two weeks, I'm amazed I haven't yet. I'm PMSing and need a good cry. haha.

Spring break is going amazingly. I fucking love my friends. Movie today, party tonight, beach tomorrow. Woohoo!!

"I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but hold your faith, for I have overcome the world" John 16:33

"God is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? God is the strength of my life. Of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalms 27:1

I really miss Jonathan. And I miss Freddy.

But things always happen the way they do for a reason, and I will grow stronger because of each hardship I go through.

I'm gonna go get Bobby's birthday present. Love you.

I've learned a lot about myself as of recently.

For one, I hold a grudge like nobody's fucking BUSINESS. There was once a girl that kissed the love of my life in front of my face, and that was about 4 or 5 years ago. To this day, I let the bitch know that I hate her. Hahahaha. Even worse, I feel no remorse. I don't see myself ever forgiving her, for the rest of my life. Just like I will never TRULY forgive anyone else that has ever made my life horrible.

Freddy. I can't bring myself to talk to you quite yet. Call me immature, but I finally realized what it was that stopped me from just trying to get you to forgive me. And my conclusion was... I didn't do anything wrong. Why should I apologize to you Fred, when I haven't wronged you in any way? If anything, you owe ME an apology, for judging me and assuming things. You think I'm turning into this drunken slut, making an idiot of myself... so tell me, who have I slept with? If there's nothing that I regret doing, then why would you? I appreciate how strong you've made me, but now you seem to only want to make me feel unhappy about who I am... friends aren't their to judge you, and that is all you've been doing in the past year. And until you realize it and correct your actions, I feel no need to try to be back in your life. I love you, and I will always be there for you. But you've never needed me. You have Tony and Jenna and Kayla... and now I finally have Brittany. I finally have someone who's as much a priority to me as I am to them. And I don't mind that I was never the number one priority, but I'll be god damned if I'm going to let you make me feel guilty or belittled simply because it's mutual now. I don't care that you and Brittany don't like each other... you never have. But Brittany has never tried to make me feel bad for simply being friends with you.

Other than the above, my life has been, for lack of a better word, ideal. I'm doing wonderfully in school, I'm having a great time with my friends, and I feel like I have a really bright future. No boys are getting me down, simply because I have decided not to allow it. My heart and my mind was open for the last year, but this time, it's Lauren's turn to put walls up and burn bridges. Say what you want, but it's working out great so far.

=]

School is going really good. I got an A on my first paper! Woohoo!

I'm really glad that thing have all worked out the way they have. I'm finding out who I can depend on and who's there just for show. Brittany is the best friend I could have asked for... I can literally talk to her about anything, and I can TRUST her. And I hope she knows she can trust me, and that I will always be there for her. I've been hanging out with my good friend AJ a lot lately, after going through a long period of time where we didn't really talk. I don't know why I ever let that happen, he's one of the best guys I've ever met. It's just so nice to have such genuine friends.

As for boys, I'm not really trying to find a boyfriend. I'm talking to a couple guys, and keeping things non-serious. I don't really plan on having sex again till I'm married, so it's probably best that I stay single for now. I know that's a long shot, but hey... it'll be worth it when I find it. I really need to just focus on school right now anyways. Which is what has been making me so happy, I think... I'm focusing on just one thing, and doing it well. Better than chasing a bunch of different things at once, and losing them all.

I went through my closet today and all of my old notes. I found like 20 notes from Nathan... a couple from David and quite a few from Dani. I'm glad they all just made me smile... I wasn't saddened by any of them. Happy memories are the ones I want to keep.

Well I'm gonna go see Watchmen. It's been a good weekend, and I'm looking forward to the week =] Hope everyone is doing great. <3

Well, my cousin left to go back home for Dallas this morning. I'm really glad I got to spend so much time with her. It made losing my aunt a lot easier. My family is doing a lot better.

As for me, I'm having one of the best times of my life. The sense of accomplishment that I get from completing that paper or finishing that 6 chapters of homework is unlike any high any type of drug could ever give me. I'm so grateful that God gave me this intelligence. Not everyone is so blessed.

Anyways, I'm baby-sitting tonight from 6 till 12, just like the passed 3 Saturdays. It's surprisingly been holding me over till financial aid kicks in. Everything is going so well!

As for the boy situation... haha. I've kinda been hanging out with my ex. I've noticed that the reasons why we broke up are things he has grown out of and changed. It's pretty amazing, but I'm not trying to get into anything serious. I got more important things to stress about mm'kay!

I hope you're all doing good and having a good, fun, safe weekend!

So, my aunt died last night. Right in front of me. In fact, I was HOLDING HER HAND. I'm a mess, once again.

Now my dog can't walk. She's might have to be put down.

Fuck. My. Life.

So I've finally gotten over my resentment, anger, and hatred towards Renae and Danielle. Although it does make me laugh to talk shit about them, and point and criticize, and demean them in every way possible, it's really not a very mature thing to do. I'm not a teenager anymore, and I need to stop acting like one. I've kinda realized that I need to be kind to everyone, cuz everyone is fighting a hard battle. I've decided to start treating people as I want to be treated. Genuinely.

It's really a huge weight off my shoulders, knowing that I'm growing up and accepting things for what they are, not as I would have them be. I can't change what happened between us, and things will never go back, but I learned my lesson. And being able to say that I really don't mind that I'm not friends with them has made my life a lot less stressful. I do, however, wish them all the luck in the world with their chosen paths, whatever that may be.

Anyways, I'm going to class. I miss a couple people. But oh well.

p.s. the reason I choose to only "communicate" through livejournal, is because I do not WANT to talk to you. I talked to Dani already. If I talked to you, it would only piss me off again. It's NOT talking to you that has allowed me to forget all of the shitty things you've done to me and everyone else around you. I have no desire whatsoever to hear your voice, or read anything directed towards me. I want you completely out of my life, with no exceptions. Good luck with life. Goodbye.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe
Go lightly on the ground
I'm not the one you want, babe
I'll only let you down
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who'll promise never to part
Someone to close his eyes to you
Someone to close his heart
Someone to die for you and more

But it ain't me babe
No, no, no, it ain't me babe
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe

NO.








don't.

Everything is going so well.

Don't go back downhill.

I'm not gonna let him get me down. That's just retarded. He's an insensitive, close-hearted, selfish, disgusting excuse of a human being. There are plenty of good men in this world who would love to be with me. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.

This math class is gonna kick my ass.

ALRIGHTY.

Change of plans. I switched out my volleyball class for Child Development, and I'm gonna be taking the class with Britt! I wasn't too crazy about the volleyball class, and i HATE Grossmont's campus, so I figured having a class with a friend would be a lot easier to take at Grossmont. It's a dirty campus. Reminds me too much of high school. Cuyamaca's campus is a lot better. I'll now have 14 units, which might be pretty difficult, but so far i have A's in all my classes, I just have to keep it up! Got a job baby-sitting on the weekends, so I'm pretty much gonna be doing nothing but school and work. Everything is working out so well, I know this is where I need to be right now.

Now that I'm in school, having a boyfriend is the last thing on my mind. It really has been great not thinking about how lonely I am. Ha! I've always wanted to be that independent woman who doesn't need a man to make her happy, and now I'm on the road to becoming that person. It's great that all my goals are that much closer to being accomplished. Like, I'm completely content NOT having someone that I exclusively care about. I talk to everyone. I belong to me. My heart is my possession, I'll be my own reflection.

Oooo Jessica. Can't sing for shit, but you certainly have some good writers standing behind you.

Oh my God.

I cannot believe how perfectly things are falling into place.

I started school today. My math teacher seems like a real priss, but I'm not their to be her friend. I'm there to be her student. I know I'm going to do well in the class. I'm even getting the textbook required for FREE from an old classmate from Valhalla. I already made a new friend, within like 10 seconds of being in the class ha.

Crashing and English class tomorrow, hopefully I get in =[ I might need to crash a couple more just in case. Then PDC 124, and Volleyball. and that's my week! My mom is proud of me... and that really means the fucking world to me. After her telling me I have no future... it feels good hearing her say that I'm awesome, and that she loves me. I think my Dad is proud too.

And another thing: fuck boys. I'm completely over all of you. Freddy is the only man I need in my life. He'll never break my heart or disappoint me. I love you Foof.

I'd like to thank everyone that has had a part in my life, thus making me who I am. I really do appreciate it.

Well, this is my last weekend of absolute freedom. After like 2 years.

That's right, Lauren is going to school. I'm taking 12 units at Cuyamaca. Monday through Friday.... English 110, Math 110, PDC 124, and a VolleyBall class! get my ass back in shape haha. Watch out bitches, you'll see me in the olympics!

I'm so excited... and I owe it all to one person. Even though he's no longer anything but a friend to me, I really appreciate him pushing me. I feel like a much more accomplished person, and will feel even more so when I get my AA degree in two years. =]

Lately, I've been wondering what the fuck is wrong with everyone; why can't we all just be decent human beings and get along. At first I thought it was me, because it seems to happen to me a lot, but then I realized there are people like Britt and Meg and Freddy and everyone else who I have been unconditional friends with; and decided the fault was little to NONE mine. All I can do is keep being a good person.

=]

I've got one HELL of a situation goin on.

But honestly... this is the closest I've come to the feeling in 6 years. Since Orion... It's undeniable and I'm going to do everything and anything I have to to keep it. It's so scary and so exhilarating at the same time. I haven't been this happy in so long...

My birthday was amazing. My Christmas was amazing. My new years was amazing. I had the best holiday season I think I've EVER had haha. It was wonderful. And I owe it all to Megan and Brittany. 2009 is going to be a great year.